Today marks exactly one month since I was told I would be a mother in less than a week’s time. The little girl we adopted, Mrignayanee, came home five days later. How has it been being a mother?
I think foremost, there seems to be a strange sense of nothingness of the self. There were so many routines I had put into life, so many interests I had begun to develop, mainly because I was lonely and longed for a child. Now when the baby came, I miss all those routines and interests, from the most trivial, like checking FB account, to more serious ones like yoga. There are times when I am frustrated by the routing of a bringing up a child and long for a difference (yes, even within one month of the relatively easy period for the child). Does that make me a bad mother, or just an individual who was capable of enjoying the world for herself.
There is a lot of confusion about work vs being a mom. I dont want to be a mom she sees once in the morning and once in the evening. I want to be the constant in her life. Yet, can I let my life become just centered around her.
There is a sudden lack of couple time. Our lives had allowed us to spend a lot of the day with each other, having lunch together, watching the birds in our garden over a morning cup of coffee. Now we barely have time and privacy together for a hug.
And most of all there is a fear. Will she recognize me as a mother. Will she get attached to me. Or am I just a functional person in her life.
I was told that being a parent is a bigger change than getting married (or any form of permanent relationship) because with a child, you really cant expect any adjustment on their side. The bulk of adjustment is left to you to make. On the positive side, you probably dont resent a kid for not adjusting much either, like you would a partner.
So, how has it been being a mother. After one month, I still only say ‘overwhelming’. There are nights when I wake up and wonder who is this sleeping next to me. There are days when I plan a trip with my husband and realize it clashes with her feeding time. It is too soon to say if this is the most rewarding experience of my life. I haven’t even been able to put her pics on FB and enjoy the compliments of friends. But its been long enough to realize being a mother is what has taken most out of me, even within this short space of a month.
PS : Am adding this because many including my husband wonder why this blog is so one sided and negative. Maybe because right at this time, these feelings are upper most in my head. I wrote this not as a balanced perspective on motherhood, but to verbalize what I have been feeling. Not just to verbalize it but to legitimize it. Too often, parents, specially mothers are expected to drop everything and take care of the child. But every mother has a right to feel strange at this time, and it does not make them a bad mother for feeling that or stating that.